- The Land of Cheese Fondue -

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On May 27, 1991, I set off on an epic journey round the world. A voyage that was to last 10 years to the day. By bike, by train, by boat, by plane, and a lot of it on foot, it was a journey into the unknown, a voyage of discovery. The lands I visited were many: Belgium, Holland, Germany (East and West, as was), Poland, Czechoslovakia (as was), Austria, Hungary, Romania, Yugoslavia (as was), Bulgaria, Turkey, Pakistan, China, Tibet, India, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Bangladesh, Burma (Myanmar), Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia (incl. what is now E.Timor), Borneo (Brunei, Sabah, Sarawak, Kalimantan), Australia, New Zealand, Cook Islands, W.Samoa, Tonga, Fiji, Vanuatu, Solomon Islands, Papua New Guinea, Philippines, Hong Kong, Macao, Taiwan, Japan, S.Korea, Canada, Alaska, USA, Mexico, Belize, Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Colombia, Ecuador, Galapagos Islands, Peru, Bolivia, Chile, Argentina, Antarctica, Uruguay, Brazil, Paraguay, Guyana, Suriname, French Guiana, Venezuela, Trinidad & Tobago, Grenada, St. Vincent, Barbados, St. Lucia, Dominica, St. Kitts, Antigua, Anguilla, Dominican Republic, Cuba and Ireland...

And that was just the first week. Only kidding.

The existence of all these lands has long been known to mankind. One land, however, has yet to be discovered. A land that is truly unique. As to its location, I have been sworn to secrecy. This secret will go with me to the grave. Feeling it their duty, however, the inhabitants of this land have allowed me the privilege of recording for posterity some of the philosophies, customs, beliefs, legends, idiosyncrasies and, at their elders' insistence, the very latest ladies' lacrosse (Southern League) results that have contributed, and will continue to contribute, to the uniqueness of this very special land: The Land of Cheese Fondue...

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With deep, contented, blissful sighs
You greet the dawn through sleepy eyes -
And there you lie, without a clue...
(You'd glimpsed The Land of Cheese Fondue)



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Those feelings once you felt before,
Though when, or where, you can't be sure...
That strangest sense of deja vu:
The Land that's known as Cheese Fondue.



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The Land of Cheese Fondue, they say,
Lies really rather far away
(Which seems to me just goes to show -
For 'far from where?' they never know)



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In The Land of Cheese Fondue
It's 'two for all, and all for two',
(It used to be just 'all for one',
But that, they found, just wasn't fun)



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A sage from The Land of Cheese Fondue
Holds quite a simple point of view -
"Enjoying yourselves" (so the man contends)
"Is not as fun as enjoying your friends".



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In The Land of Cheese Fondue
The cars are usually red or blue
(For yellow ones are rarely found,
As they are sixty pence a pound).



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It was, it is, will always be
The very breeze that none can see:
The wind of change that never blew
Beheld The Land of Cheese Fondue.



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The Land of Cheese Fondue, they say,
Is quite complete in every way
(All I hear it maybe lacks
Is chocolate doors and income tax)



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The Land of Cheese Fondue, it seems,

Is often seen in people's dreams...

But then, alas, in light of day

Their land of dreams just fades away.

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In The Land of Cheese Fondue
'To rush' is not the thing to do,
So even thieves just take their time
(For taking yours would be a crime)



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In The Land of Cheese Fondue,
Where ten and twelve are twenty-two,
If it helps and all agree,
Then, what the heck, they're twenty-three!



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"Clockadoodle, clockadoodle, clockadoodle doo",
- It's the clocks from The Land of Cheese Fondue.
"Clockadoodle, clockadoodle, clockadoodle doo":
That's half a dozen eggs, so it's half past two.



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The Land of Cheese Fondue, I've heard,
Is so polite it's quite absurd
(For people even doff their hats
When saying "Hello" to dogs and cats!)



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In The Land of Cheese Fondue

The power of love just grew and grew...

From whence it came, well no one knows,

As even now it grows and grows...

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The way to The Land of Cheese Fondue
Is known to just a very few -
And when at last the penny drops,
It rolls uphill and never stops...



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The Land of Cheese Fondue's decreed
(And all as one at once agreed):
That whomsoever sneezes twice
Shall tip his hat and say "that's nice".



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In The Land of Cheese Fondue
A rainbow's born as red and blue,
But on the hour the colours change...
A rainbow's really rather strange.



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The Land of Cheese Fondue, one hears,
Has double chins and jellied ears.
(Such myths of course are quite absurd -
Its ears are made of lemon curd)



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"I come from The Land of Cheese Fondue,
So rub my nose and how d'you do!"
(Warm embraces, kissing cheeks -
Greeting friends can take you weeks!)



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Eenie, meenie, mynie, mo,
Catch a bus and let it go
(You're in The Land of Cheese Fondue
Where it's much more fun if THEY catch YOU!)



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That elusive Land of Cheese Fondue,

That's always 'there', yet out of view...

It's all around, but can't be seen -

It's somewhere else, where no-one's been.

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"So you seek The Land of Cheese Fondue? -
Just hold the line and I'll put you through".
(The years went by and I held it tight,
Though it's shorter now and the end's in sight)



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In The Land of Cheese Fondue

(The house, I think, is one one two)

A simple plaque's been left behind:

"He lived here only in his mind"

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Bubble & Squeak and hullabaloo!
Come to The Land of Cheese Fondue...
Gooseberry fool, come ride on a foal!
(For those in a car will be towed in a hole)



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To knock The Land of Cheese Fondue

Is really not the thing to do,

For all you're saying to those around

Is "Pity me, my mind's unsound".

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I haven't a notion if it's over the ocean,
Or perhaps in a box in the closet?
And it isn't the pie in the 'pie in the sky'
Or the sun just behind it. Or was it?



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Look in the eyes of the Mona Lisa,
Note her smile as she quietly sees a
Land that's slightly out of frame...
And then declines to give its name.

-----------------------------------(an Enigma Variation)



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In The Land of Cheese Fondue
(Where dismal days are very few)
Only those of four foot three
Have never laughed before their tea.



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So that's The Land of Cheese Fondue:
To learn 'to be', not just 'to do',
To live a life that's not a sham,
To see the stars, and say "I am!"...



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Leave The Land of Cheese Fondue,
A land you'll find you hardly knew,
For, turning round, you'll see for sure:
It might have been...but is no more.



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TO BE CONTINUED (BUT NOT NECESSARILY HERE)